Be Only You

Suffering avoids no one in this life. At some stage it comes for us all in various forms of severity. In this way, we are challenged either physically, emotionally and/or spiritually. I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves “how am I going to cope” or “how am I going to get through this” however if you are reading this now and reminiscing on a similar time, take a moment to reflect that you did indeed cope and get through that suffering. 

For those who have overcome serious hardships, life threatening challenges and other forms of suffering, you’ve transformed that suffering into something that has enabled you to grow into the version you are today. Through this growth you’ve attained life’s special skill of resilience.  Unfortunately this sort of life skill can only be developed through trudging through the depths suffering in some shape or form. 

Two things can awaken the human spirit. They say that love can but suffering will

Anon

Often these phases of suffering can feel like being caught in a constant flurry within a snow globe of fight or flight. A cortisol filled period of life where you eat, sleep, work and repeatedly accompanied by a constant friend in anxiety fearing the worst outcome or that it will never end. But this is the trick that our brains play on us because everything comes to an end, “this too shall pass”. During these times, it can be so hard to keep “it together” and if you are like me, at times you have found yourself screaming inside your head. With “this isn’t fair” or “this shouldn’t be happening to me”. In those moments, you can make a choice to either play the cards you’ve been dealt or wallow deeper into the victimisation of suffering. But what is never amplified is that YOU get to decide this for yourself. We all have this power inside of us to transform this suffering into our growth.

4 Steps To Transform Suffering

1. Turn down the heat

Being engulfed by suffering can feel like someone turning up the thermostat in your internal system of thoughts, worries and ultimately anxiety.  All of these swirl around and around your mind, inducing the stress response again and again.  So when you catch yourself in that negative spiral of not knowing “how to cope” or “how can I get through this”. These are your cues to switch gears and do the things that help you turn down that heat and release that pressure valve. 

I am not saying it’s easy but it is simple to take 5-10 minutes to prioritise self-care in the form of a short walk, preparing your favourite tea, enjoying that chocolate bar and journal those thoughts. You can fool yourself into thinking that focusing on these thoughts and problems are the solution to solving them. Sometimes it just takes time to go through the siutation and you need your batteries in the green for sustain this.

2. Control the controllables

An important step in the process of suffering is understanding what you can or can’t control in a situation. The root of any suffering symptoms is this lack of control of what is happening and more importantly the outcome. The “what happens if” gets louder and louder.  All sorts of perceived negative outcomes flurry through your mind and fuel the never ending worrisome cycle. 

So make sure to ask yourself very clearly “what it is that I can control here?”.  Take a pen and paper to draw two columns (controllable and uncontrollable).  Then only focus your efforts on tackling the controllables and if you think there are no controllables, you are wrong. You can control how you are reacting to the situation itself.

Here’s an example

My company is making changes in structure with likely redundancies

Uncontrollable

• The decisions or criteria that leadership use to allocate personnel into the redundancy bucket

Controllables

• Abstain from the over talking and catastrophizing about it with colleagues knowing it creates more and more anxiety for me
• Begin contingency planning with updating my CV and exploring other opportunities in case it does come down to redundancy
• Prioritise self-care in the form of daily exercise and yoga to help clear my mind

3. Decide what you are taking with you

Personally I can process suffering much better when I know that I gained something from the experience. I am not referring to anything material but in the form of a lesson or learning opportunity. Don’t mistake this for me finding a scapegoat of blaming a situation or challenge on someone or something else. 

It’s more to do with decisions that I made during it (or didn’t) or the boundaries that I failed to put in place for myself. With that said, be so careful not to use this step to merely criticise yourself. 

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

Henry Ford

4. Transform

You can’t reach this step without gaining some learning of some sort. You need this experience of suffering and growth to move you on to the next version of yourself. Whatever that looks like, and the only person you should compare that to is the past version of you. 

It can be helpful to know that diamonds are created from the single element of carbon when it transforms its structure through a process of significant pressure and heat. How amazing is that? These precious stones that are coveted by people all around the world, who enjoy their beautiful sparkle and dazzling appearance. Although in their original form, diamonds started in a dark coal-like matter. Similarly, we can appreciate how a caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly. 

You get to decide if you want to let your suffering define you or your identity. You get to decide whether you retain that victimhood and ultimately those thoughts which continue to carry that low vibrating energy of suffering throughout your body, mind and soul continuously poisoning you bit by bit (from the inside out). Conversely, you can decide to empower yourself to transform that suffering, those challenges into your own diamond. 

You can only do this through the process of learning from an experience or mistake through life’s gift that is suffering. Remember, just because you have a negative thought doesn’t mean that it’s true. Your brain is very equipped to hold onto the past through emotions and problems. We counterintuitively need familiarity even if it’s uncomfortable. So take back your power, ditch the victimisation and transform your suffering for personal growth. 

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Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.