Be Only You

Like with a physical boundary such as a wall, fence, or door etc, your personal boundary can act as your protector between yourself and the rest of the world. We all have the capability to create these for ourselves although quite often maintaining them is the real test. Our boundaries can be tested, bent or even broken from the external pressure of others, a challenging situation or even our own belief patterns (or past beliefs).  

Visualise yourself walking along a beach, with each step leaving a hollow footprint. Now look back at how the tide (the pressures of life) can spill over into some of your footprints but not all. This visualisation helps us understand how some of our boundaries are challenged by the world and the people around us. Although we have the power to create more footprints (our personal boundaries) and even go back and reinstate our footprint that was swept away with the moving tide.

For some, this time of the year can be exciting returning home or travelling afar, reuniting with family and friends, likely stressful trying to keep it together, or make ends meet or simply drained from a difficult year. So it should be no surprise that this is a time of year where you need to lean into your boundaries the most and/or establish new ones!

What Are Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are guidelines, limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach.

Thoughtfull.world

Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.

Psychcentral

An invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual. Boundaries can be physical (e.g., do not touch me) or emotional (do not lie to me). Boundaries can also be based on time or space.

Wellnesscenter University of Illnois

In other words, these are your set of unwritten guidelines or rules in which you live your life. They usually come about from your emotional reactions to the experiences within your life to date.

Most Common Signs of Boundary Issues

• You say yes when you really want to say no 
• Feeling guilty when you do say no (I struggle with this one)

What Boundaries Are Not

• A tool to push people away
• Require you to be unkind
• Means you say no all the time
• People will like you less if you have boundaries
• Make you a bad person

Like most negative beliefs, these are built on a  foundation of fear, one that pretends to keep us safe from rejection and the need to be loved.

How Do I Know What My Boundaries Are?

Many of you likely already have some boundaries in place (you may not even realise what they are) e.g. keep the weekends for your social nights, or keep your Sundays free strictly for self care or read your whatsapp messages only in the morning and after dinner or you decide you can’t face any camera on zoom meetings in work today. Whatever these small ways of living are or preferences, these are in fact your boundaries.

To get deeper, I believe a really good place to ground your boundaries in, is your values. These are the building blocks of your life and you can read more in my recent piece What Is Your Value System? It also includes a free, printable values exercise.

Your values help you understand how you want to live and live authentically. So you can think of your boundaries as enablers of that authentic life. Some boundaries will be deal-breakers and others not so important to you meaning you can allow some wiggle on them e.g. time-keeping, time alone to recharge after a a number of social events etc

Tips For Establishing & Maintaining Your Boundaries

This is not an easy exercise, but it is an important one. It is ok for your boundaries to change and evolve. You are human after all.

If you remember nothing else, communicate, communicate, communicate! Your friends, family and colleagues are not mind readers. Do not assume they understand what your boundaries are or expect them to pick up on your subtle hints. Be clear, be direct and be heard.

Boundary bending “Will you not stay out for a few drinks more?”

• Suggested response “ I would love too but I know my limits and I want to wake up tomorrow feeling fresh, I don’t want to over tired myself”

Boundary bending “It’s Christmas, we have to go see them”

• Suggested response “ I understand it is an important time of year to see family and friends, although I am pretty exhausted and won’t be much company, please you go ahead and give my regards”

Further boundary bending “ but they are expecting to see you”

• Suggested response “please tell them that we will organise a coffee the next time they are over”

Boundary bending “I’m sorry to bail last minute, things are just crazy this week, can we reschedule until tomorrow?”

• Suggested response (with context that this is not an isolated incident) “thank you for letting me know although given the short notice I have lost out on making others plans. Let me check my schedule although tomorrow I am out with my family.”

The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none

Anon

So when people start to question your behaviour (or lack thereof) for something that they want for their own gain, blame your boundaries. Feel empowered to objectify these set of principles that you have created, established and empowered yourself with them. People don’t have to like them or even understand them.

Remember you have created your boundaries to protect your energy from your surroundings and it is really a form of self love. You have likely put a lot of thought into them, yes they can change and evolve over time although in that moment where someone or something is crossing the boundary line, push back and blame the boundary. You don’t need to apologise for them either, there is nothing wrong with them and it is ok to say no!

If any of this content inspires you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox and receive printable gratitude and values exercises! 

Also consider forwarding this to anyone else you think needs it!

Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.