Be Only You

This week I am writing to you from the Canary Islands and I was inspired by a beautiful, small bird roaming around the garden looking for food. I noticed that it kept coming back to the same patches of the ground. It did this for sometime and then eventually flew off. It got me thinking about how we as humans are always looking for something or some answer to a question.

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

U2

In case nobody has told you before, all the answers that you seek are within you. They may not be obvious or even that accessible and so you just need an internal compass and some guidance to help you get there. When we feel lost or not sure of the direction to take in life, it is because we have lost that connection to our inner knowing. The years of social conditioning, trauma, abuse, sub-optimal parenting, self-loathing, peer pressure can make our inner path/knowing foggy and hard to see how to step forward. Both psychotherapy and counselling are incredibly helpful compasses although we may not feel ready and or not have access to these services. 

In my particular case, I only started counselling recently (and then psychotherapy) at the age of 34 and so I spent more than 10 years using my own self-guided compass. Sometimes in a good direction, sometimes in circles and often to a dead-end. You often hear the cliché of “I wouldn’t change anything” but I mean it when I say it, because it is my journey, one I am proud of and continue to learn from. You should be proud of your own journey too because life can be hard and you are doing your best.

If you feel ready for therapy, my advice is go for it and give it time. It is like dating, you may not find the right one straight away and at least give it a few sessions. Keep going and keep talking!

But if like my younger self, you need more time to do some self-exploration, then keep reading for some of the ways that I developed to get closer to what I was looking for. Although before we dive in, you need to know some of my history.

For over 10 years, I’ve juggled the scaling of the corporate ladder while working to rebalance, recalibrate myself from an early adult (abusive) relationship. I did this through yoga (was even sucked into bikram for a while), retreats, reading books, exercising (all types), travelling to new countries (even moved to one for a while), trying new experiences, pushing myself with goals (sometimes too unrealistic). Not surprisingly I completely exhausted myself in the process. 

Reflecting on that time now, I was on this constant journey of trying to find my true self. I was also trying to overcompensate my failed childhood relationship with succeeding in all other aspects of my life e.g. university scores, subsequent career/jobs, using salary as a measure of success etc. Yes this coping mechanism was helpful in the short-term as I dealt with the end of an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship although I have the pandemic and its forced resetting function to really thank for my new found perspective. It is only looking back on that time of 2-3 years ago that I realise that. I understand that time may have been devastating for so many and I had my own share of struggles so please don’t for one minute think I am glorifying what happened. For me, it forced me to stay in one place, I was finally unable to “run away” from my emotions and challenges by over travelling, overspending and over giving. 

Like most challenges in life, you may not see the lessons straight away. It may take weeks, months or even years. That is just how it works so whenever you face a challenge and you don’t know what to do. Give it time, you need time to process and just focus on the next best step. One day it will become clearer. So ask yourself “ok, what can I learn from this situation?”

We transform the world by transforming ourselves

Davidji

Now to the how. I want you to visualise a stream that is flowing rapidly and picture a number of rocks or large stones getting in the way of the water flow. Did you notice that the water doesn’t stop, it just finds another way through. It doesn’t mean that the rock is not having an effect on the water, it just means that the water has adapted to the challenge (the rocks) it faces. The water needs to get where it is going to and will redirect its flow accordingly. You are that water in the flow that is your life. Sometimes there will be big rocks and sometimes there will be smaller ones that you can easily pass on through. This is the ebb and flow of life and remember you have a life force pushing you forward to where ever you need to get to.

4 STEPS TO HELP YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

1. Identify Your Rocks

The rocks are personal to you, anything, anyone or any place that inhibits your flow or ease in life. Reflect for a few minutes on what these might be and even better write them down. Here are some examples to get you thinking;

• The relationships with family, friends and lovers. Is there any relationship that you know is holding you back or you leave feeling less than from a conversation even if it is feeling drained?
• Your day-to-day in general or within your job/career. Do you find yourself questioning why am I still doing this or that? We will all have days and times where we will naturally be frustrated or upset although it is the prolonged questioning and feeling of this unease that should send a signal to you.
• The life experiences (or lack of) within your life. Is there a country, a place or hobby you really want to experience? Too often we can consider these rocks as “getting in the way” but they also afford us the opportunity to uncover “gaps” too

2. Give Your Rocks A Rating

Now for each of your rocks, give them a rating between 1-10

• 1: not bad, I can handle it well
• 10:  overwhelming, I can’t move passed it

This exercise will help you figure out which rocks need more of your energy for now. Remember you are only human and you may need a phased approach to tackling some of these.

3. Define Your Best Way Forward

For each rock, ask yourself what would rectify or help you move past this rock. Get creative, find a way and visualise you have a magic wand. Remember you can’t avoid this rock, you learn to flow through and around it.

Also it is ok not to have the answer to this because not all rocks are equal. If you do have access to a therapist, a life coach or trusted friend they can help shine a flashlight in the right direction but they can’t tell you the right answer. Read more about life coaching in my “Life Coaching: Why Everybody Should Give It A Go”

4. Return To Your Flow

Appreciate this process, how well you pushed past the rock. It doesn’t have to be a lot, even a small step in the direction you want is you leaning into your natural flow. You will face more rocks along the way (such is life) although each time you do and push pass, you top-up your tank of resilience. You are stronger than you think and please take the time to reflect on examples of this in your life.

Challenges give us the chance to show up for ourselves, to learn something new, to build strength, knowledge and resilience

Roxie Nafousi

Deep down you have everything that you need, no one can tell you the answer that you are looking for. It is worth noting that your life is not an exam where the answers are right or wrong. There can be a lot of grey and blurred lines in life. So lean into the ones that help you with the flow around the rocks. Sometimes these answers come when you least expect it, especially when you get really present with yourself, in your dreams and practising mindfulness, etc

Finally, when you find an answer that you are seeking, don’t be startled if you feel the answer changing or evolving, that is normal, that is your ever changing human life. The whole point of finding the answer is realising that the aim of this journey is to become closer to yourself, your true self, your intuition and live more and more in alignment with your life, your values and your desires. In other words, returning to your true flow!

If any of this content inspires you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox and receive printable gratitude and values exercises! 

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Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.