Be Only You

Sounds selfish right? What if I said to you that self-hate is a coping mechanism. One to enable you to avoid facing pain by providing yourself with an internal dialogue of criticism and shaming different aspects of yourself. In this way, you can control the hurt that you inflict on yourself and more importantly its predictability. As humans, this predictability helps us feel more in control and safe. 

We’ve been conditioned all our lives by society, our family, friends and our environment that it is selfish to prioritise yourself over others. Granted, the whole “self-care” buzz has received some positive airwaves in recent years. Although, it still has a flair of exclusivity or to be done only sparingly. A lot of people will think of this as; making time for yourself by having a bath, a morning walk or yoga and these are almost certainly good practises but the true essence of what self-love runs a lot deeper than these things.

“Learning to love yourself is a process of healing your thoughts and emotions”

Teal Swan

We all have a part to play in this world no matter how insignificant or significant you may think that is. We all play a part in the union of energy in this universe. Don’t believe me about energy? Ever sit down for a coffee with a friend and know instinctively, that they have bad news for you. You are picking up on that energy sub-consciously. The same way you feel that euphoria at a concert where everyone is dancing freely and having a great time. You can’t see this energy with the naked eye but you can most certainly pick it up.

So in this way, whether you like it or not you are giving off energy in every interaction, even if it is virtually or on the phone or even via text. It all carries energy. So how you show up to the world has an impact.

Self-love is crucial for a harmonious life. It doesn’t mean that you will be 100% happy all the time, it means that you keep your cup full so that you can give more effectively to others around you.   

“We don’t have problem with self-love, it’s just that we don’t have enough”

Vishen Lakhiani

Unobvious Signs Where You Are Not Loving Yourself

Not Setting Boundaries

• Not allowing yourself to say no to something, be it in work, or personal
• Overstretching your social diary to please others and so draining your own batteries as a result

Not Showing Yourself Compassion

• Blaming and criticising yourself for so called mistakes (even worse if it is over and over again)
• Learn more in my recent forgiveness blog

Not Feeling Into Your Emotions

• Not giving yourself the space or permission to feel into your emotions and in this way, denying your whole reality
• I have recently come to realise (through the work with a psychotherapist) that I have not been doing this and have lost the muscle completely

Filling Your Body With Toxins

• Over indulging in substances that we know are not good for us e.g. alcohol, sugary foods, smoking, drugs etc
• Most of us fall victim to this (including myself) although if we even pull back on that “one for the road” or the “last one in the pack”, that in itself is a powerful step towards more self-love

Expecting Others To Fix You

• No one can do the work on yourself but you!
• You can of course get help along the way from professionals, friends and family but only you put one foot in front of the other and make the changes needed

“The wound itself becomes the entry point where you can find the light“

Sarah Blondin

Four Techniques To Kick Start Your Self-Love Journey

1. Sit With Your Emotions

Sitting with your emotions and accepting them for what they are, no judgement, honouring yourself and use them as a compass to guide you on your best next step. By not sitting and processing your emotions, you are denying yourself of your real-life existence and ignoring the environment around you. Ultimately repressing them deep inside of you until they manifest to the surface through illness, triggers, behaviours etc

2. Say “No” More

Saying no to more things without guilt. This does not make you a bad person. It is your responsibility to protect your energy and your wellbeing. Only spend time with the people that help fill up your cup and if you find you are drained from a friend or a job or a place, ask yourself is it really working out?

3. Fill Your Own Cup First

Imagine you’ve have had a bad day at work or at home and planning to meet a friend who is also going through a tough time. You know your energy is not 100% and while you may feel guilty for cancelling, it is better for you both. You can’t give from an empty cup! Be honest about the why and we all begin to change the narrative and norms on this.

4. Align Your Values & Your Life

Take the time to figure out what you care about in life (or what makes you tick) and apply those to your life choices. There are no right or wrong values and find the ones that gets your passion flowing in conversations. Start with at least 3-5, write them down and journal on your why.

Imagine you value sustainability and you work for a company that doesn’t, it continues to use plastic disposable bags. As small as that sounds, it is creating friction against you and the environment you allow yourself to be in. Another example could be that you value honesty at all costs (no matter how difficult a message is) and a friend of yours doesn’t. You find out that they have lied to you about their weekend plans with another friend. Your values are in direct conflict here and should be a signal for you both.

“A relationship with someone else won’t cure your relationship with yourself”

Jay Shetty

We all have blind spots, we all have the work to do on our personal development journey so as to become the best version of ourselves. We must love ourselves truly to radiate that back out Into the world. Self-love is not a destination but a state of being and so a lifelong process.

If any of this content inspired you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox!

Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.