Be Only You

It took me a long time to realise that I am not my emotions and that it is perfectly ok to feel whatever emotions that arise at any moment. 

I also felt that it was “bad” to feel any sort of so-called negative emotions e.g. anger, sadness, fear and that the ultimate desired state was to always be in a “positive” emotional state of being happy, joyful, confident. I am not really sure where this belief came from but likely some sort of childhood imprint. But the reality is, that I can feel all sorts of emotions all of the time and this is a normal human behaviour. Even this morning, I can count on 2 hands all the different emotions that I have felt. When my alarm went off, I immediately felt a sense of dread that it was morning already but then after a few minutes, I felt a sense of restfulness because I had a good night’s sleep. Later on, frustration came upon me when crossing bathroom paths with my partner and soon after I was grateful for my tasty cup of coffee. 

So all that to say, everyday I experience a whole host of different emotions which come in ebbs and flows. Some days I will over index on the more negative ones (especially with a busy work day and points in my menstrual cycle) and others I will gravitate more towards the positive especially when it comes to Friday and a fun weekend is planned with social activities.

Emotions are real and valid but they are not facts.

Dr Julie Smith

Emotions are your internal sign posts designed to lead you towards your next best step. They don’t always have to make sense to you but they are your clues on what to do next (or what not to do). Unfortunately some languages like English force us to use the words “I am” when describing our emotions and in this way we have been forced to confuse our identity with our emotions. Other languages, for example Gaeilge, provide a framework where instead you would say “ I have” versus “I am” when it comes to describing an emotional state. So “I am happy” in English translates into “Tá athas orm” which directly translates to “I have happiness upon me”. So even recognising these small nuances can have an impact on your perspective. Emotions are your brains attempt to explain and attach meaning to what is going on in your world and your body. 

What Are Emotions?

Emotions are reactions that human beings experience in response to events or situations. The type of emotion a person experiences is determined by the circumstance that triggers the emotion.

Verywellmind.com

Why Are They Helpful?

Your own internal, mental sign-post

I mentioned earlier, that these are your inner clues on what to do next. Without them, you would not be able to flow between different emotional states. They are giving you the gift of information at every moment. If you weren’t hangry, you wouldn’t know to eat and fuel your body with nutrients. Or when you meet someone new on a date, your intuition makes you feel uncomfortable. This emotion is your body picking up on energy which helps you understand there is a mismatch here (important to differentiate what is nervousness versus your actual intuition)

They help you love yourself more

For many people, we do care about how we feel. I mentioned that we all like to feel good, all of the time. While this is not feasible, it is important for us to work towards that and when you start to listen into your emotional cues more, you use this to make the right choices for you. An example being when you constantly over promise yourself to social events, and when realise you have double booked yourself socially, you feel a sense of dread, guilt, fear of disappointment. These emotions may be informing you that you are giving too much of yourself to others or that you need a better way to manage your social calendar. At this point give yourself permission to go back and decline. You have the right to push back, set boundaries and live the life you want to live. The ultimate means of self-love.

They help others understand you more

Contrary to what we believe, other people (especially our partners, friends etc) are not mind readers. They are not 100% aware of the emotions that arise within you unless you explicitly communicate. I know my partner and I still struggle after 3 years to understand when the other is just hangry and is not actually annoyed with the other one. So when an emotion arises during an event, conversation, situation etc communicate it to the other person (if you feel comfortable and safe to do so). For example, when I have a deep conversation with a friend on a personally sensitive topic, I will share that I have never really thought about this and I am feeling a bit triggered now. You are not sharing your emotions for sympathy, you are sharing to help the other person understand your perspective more. This may come with some judgement from the other person but also remember you are not responsible for how other people feel or what they think of you, they own that.

So What Should I Do With My Emotions?

1. Become aware and identify

When the emotion arises, take a breath and notice what you are feeling in your body. It may not be obvious whether it is fear, anger or sadness right away (I know I struggle with this often). So give yourself the time to reflect and give yourself the space to process things like taking a coffee break, a walk, journal, listen to your favourite song or simply a hot shower.

2. Accept it for what it is

Which can be simply just be you saying to yourself “ok, right now I am pretty annoyed at what just happened”.  Be careful not to judge these emotions, acceptance is not passive so become curious about why you are feeling this way with compassionate curiosity. Your brain is attempting to help you attach meant to what is going on around you and in your body

3. Control what you can control

These emotions have arisen as a result of something that is happening in your life. You don’t have any control over what is happening in your life but you do have control over how you process or react to these events.  So pinpoint the thoughts, the words and the actions that you can personally take towards whatever it is that you can do to resolve the situation that your emotions are signposting for you. This is the work of growth and emotions, believe or not are your key advocates.

4. Release the pressure

Once you have identified the emotion, accepted it for what it is and empowered yourself on what actions, words, and thoughts that you can control and drive, you now need to let that emotion go. Trapped emotions can stay stuck and stagnant in our bodies. Ever noticed tight shoulders? Or hips? If you don’t do the work to release and let go of emotions like anger and resentment they will harden all parts of you. For anyone familiar with yoga, you will probably always notice the release of sadness when you are in any hip related poses. This is because our hips carry the brunt of our stored emotions.

So spending the time to compassionately inquire about your emotions is an important part of your personal growth. It enables you to better understand how your mind works and also helps build resilience over time that you can use to empower yourself for the better. No one will ever say that it is easy to do this work but it is what is required. If you spend your life burying your emotions, they will stagnate in your body and ultimately will turn to illness and disease.

Any big reactions, triggers or emotions are actually parts of us that are showing up to protect us from feeling the deeper wounded parts which are often are from the younger unresolved parts. You are not designed to suffer in this life, the world is not against you and so by experiencing your emotions consciously and processing them, especially the ones that hurt the most, you will get closer to the things that you want in life.

Start using your emotions as your compass and give yourself your power back!

If any of this content inspired you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox!

Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.