Be Only You

Forgive (verb): to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you; to stop feeling angry with yourself.

Source: Oxford Learners Dictionaries

When I first read this definition, frankly I was surprised and also struck by the word stop, in how limiting and unrealistic this choice of verb is to describe something as complex as the act of forgiveness. It is by no means a passive action, it is a very conscious effort in releasing resentment of something or someones’ actions from the past. You can also think of it as letting go of the hold it has on you and believe me, real growth happens in this process of letting go.

Who Should I Forgive?

The first person you should forgive is YOU!

I’ve spent years (unknowingly) wrapping myself up in the false comfort of self-blame. It is very easily done so please don’t blame yourself for blaming yourself on something! Self-blame and resentment comes in many subtle and various forms although you may recognise thoughts like “how could I do that”, “I was so stupid saying that” or “why did I do or say or go there” or “I should of done this”. If you have ever said these words or similar to yourself, I would like you to apologise to yourself now out-loud, [INSERT NAME] I am sorry for blaming you for [INSERT]. I recommend you do this for as long as it takes to create a little tear in your eyes because contrary to what you were told growing up, crying is an important way to release trapped energy and emotions in your body. How else do you think it leaves your body? Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? YES!

We are beautifully imperfect human beings, I no longer believe in perfection, to me it doesn’t exist. I have struggled with perfectionism tendencies throughout my life, be it education or throughout my corporate life. So when I feel these emotions coming over me, I often think about the beautiful tradition of the Japanese Kinstugi and how they use gold filling to fix broken items to highlight the beauty of imperfection.

Another visualisation I like to call upon is when you are lying in bed at night and see the light of the moon peak through the small gaps between your blind or curtains, that have been designed to keep that same light out. But somehow a tiny beam of light always manages to make it through. Remember this whenever you feel broken.

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”

Leonard Cohen (Anthem)

Forgive Others

Only when you grace yourself with compassion, can you truly begin to forgive others for something they have done or have said that has hurt you. This can be incredibly tough especially if someone has hurt us very deeply. Forgiving others does not imply that you forget what they have done, you are simply letting go of the hold that the hurt has on you. You don’t have to have a conversation with the person to forgive them or even speak to them ever again (sometimes unfortunately it isn’t possible anyway)

How Do I Forgive?

Write your words down ✒

I recommend that you write it down on paper or a journal or in any format you want. It doesn’t even need to make sense as it is for your eyes only and you never have to send it. If you do wish to give the letter to the person, please don’t send the first draft. I took this writing letters approach with an ex-partner from which the relationship ended very badly. I probably wrote 100s of letters on how I felt, what I wanted them to know and what I was still hurting from (which I never sent). I burned many of these to aid a cathartic release (please take care with open flames and do this in a fire safe event environment). But it was only when (many years later) that I realised that the concept of forgiveness was more about me holding on to the hurt and less about the person needing forgiveness. I hadn’t forgiven my younger self for staying in a toxic relationship for so long. It took me over 10 years to realise that this was what was holding me back in romantic relationships.

Talk about it 🗣

With the person to be forgiven provided that you have the support system and people in place to help you through this difficult exercise. I recommend you speak to your medical practitioner or therapist before doing this. You can also talk to a friend or family on it. Like crying, our words can help us express our thoughts which in turn help release the energy that the resentment is holding over us

Think about it 🤔

Simply sit with your thoughts, breathe, meditate, move your body (walking in nature is best) and work on releasing that resentment. It could be as simply as “I now release the resentment of” or “I forgive myself for”. This could take a day, a week, a month or years but know if you keep at the work, releasing the hold will happen for you The Hawaiian people have a beautiful teaching about forgiveness known as Ho”o pono pono which translates to “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” You might find this a helpful mantra to use.

Finally, Why Should I Forgive?

Everything you blame or hold resentment for is actually there to teach you something about yourself and how to move into the best version of yourself. Through this active process of forgiveness and letting go, you offer yourself freedom to ask yourself what have I learned through doing this? About yourself, others, the situation. If you think you haven’t learned anything, you haven’t truly forgiven. Be careful of that little voice in your head who likes to play the blame game and assert the victim mentality. Remember that we are all victims of victims and doing our best.

If any of this content inspired you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below.

Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.