Be Only You

Healing of any description is difficult, painful and almost always comes with no clear expiry date. Some people prefer to view it from its alternative lens of “suffering”. Not one human being gets to escape this within their lifetime. It’s essentially our rite of passage from one life chapter to another, from one transition to another and so on.

Just like a body needs healthy cells to stay alive, the universe needs healthy souls to keep going. In this way, when we do authentic inner work we are sustaining a living universe. ~ Mark Nepo

I won’t dwell too much on suffering as I wrote more on this previously in my Stay The Victim Or Transform? You Decide… Although what I do want to touch on is the concept of truth and experiencing that in whatever form manifest for you. Recently, I had my first psychedelic experience with psilocybin as part of a 6 month personal development program. It’s hard for me to put my experience into appropriate words or stories although at the essence of it, I experienced my whole truth. 

With effects ranging from auditory and visual hallucinations and dream-like ecstatic states to powerful shifts in cognitive and emotional perspective and a dissolving of time and space, these chemicals loosen the grip of our everyday perceptions, reach into our consciousness and touch us somewhere deep. Fungi have no hands with which to manipulate the world but with psilocybin as a chemical messenger they could borrow a human body and use its brain and senses to think and speak through ~ Merlin Sheldrake

I am sure we can all relate to defining ourselves by certain characteristics and behaviours e.g. that is just the way I am, I can’t stand when people do that or it really annoys me when. Whether you want to believe it or not, these are a coping mechanism or adaptations to an event or series of incidents in your early childhood. Along the way, you have hardened your shell of protection and likely gained a learned personality characteristic plus or minus a bodily symptom that arises in any state of emotional activation e.g. that upset stomach when there is a conflict with your partner or at work. 

What happens in the body is a direct reflection of what is happening in mind and spirit ~Dr Gabor Mate

Often people use the excuse that their parents or family have some sort of body ailment and that its “genetic” e.g. alcoholism, bowel issues etc. The reality is that this is simply not true for the vast, vast majority of people. We as humans are not evolved enough to have this ability to pass these down through genes. Of course there are some exceptions e.g inherited disorders, intergenerational transmission of stress like proven in holocaust survivors. In short, any physical or emotional suffering you experience is a result of being disconnected or avoiding your true self or truth. The irony is that this suffering is a result of you protecting a pain filled part deep within you. To be clear, facing your truth may be one of the most difficult things that you do throughout your life.  It most likely will be a lifelong journey of self-discovery. 

Hiding From The Truth

When I say the truth it can be absolutely anything from your parents allowing you to cry/soothe yourself to sleep, to that strict teacher who always was too hard on you or for some, the more challenging and traumatic experiences. Regardless, it’s not enough to “know” the truth about something about yourself or what incidents may have happened. You must experience it as a feeling and emotion to unlock the door to healing. I recommend that you do not do it alone and leverage techniques with people who are trained and skilled e.g. therapists. Everyday we hide from our truths and we do this in various socially acceptable ways like smoking, overindulging in chocolate, alcohol, over exercising, over working to name a few. Now I am not saying that any of these activities are bad or even wrong, my point is to challenge your relationship in how you may use these as an emotional crutch. I myself have definitely used most of these to avoid my truth for many, many years. 

What Else Did I Experience?

So you are probably still wondering more about my psychedelic experience. I’ll preface by explaining the importance of preparing for an experience like this by ensuring you have a robust training plan and engage with trustworthy experts within the field. The use of psychedelics in conjunction with psychotherapy and other methods is a growing and powerful movement. 

For me personally, it feels like having gone through 10 years of psychotherapy. This is incredible in terms of uncovering why I am the way I am, although it also means that I have all this debris on my beach that I am sorting and cleaning through piece by piece. Hence the importance of my ongoing self-care practice, regular therapy and dedicated to facing my truths and unpicking all of my triggers and activations. 

Would I Do It Again?

Absolutely and I most certainly plan to attend another retreat when the time is right and when I’ve processed and integrated my most recent one. Engaging in therapeutic doses of psychedelics is like being on an express train to your subconscious where the egoic mind has no control over what you see, feel or become to know. You experience all of your truth in a knowing and being. While the experiences can provoke the more difficult and heavy emotions of pain and hurt, the work of mushrooms also evokes immeasurable bliss and pure love.  

How Am I Feeling Now?

Its roughly 2 months post experience and its not been the smoothest road. Its almost like being on a rollercoaster of conflicting emotions. I rely heavily on my retreat group, my therapist, partner and friends which I am incredibly grateful for. Before my experiences I had a feeling that the experience would change me forever and it has, for the better. I experienced my truths but in the process gained a different perspective within myself. I no longer hide behind the wounded parts or identify as them. I see them as necessary components or debris on my beach to sort through piece by piece. I suppose what I really achieved was a coming back to my true self, my essence or what some people call self. 

I did a lot of research, spoke to experts before deciding what program and retreats to take part in. If you take nothing else from this, understand that the most important part of your journey starts when you come back to your day-to-day life. It is so crucially important to have a post integration plan and support to help you experience your truths and process them properly so they can become healed. I am not going to tell you that psilocybin is going to solve all of your problems, it won’t but it most certainly will give you clarity on what they are and the why. 

Avoiding our pain is hard wired into our psyche, we want to feel good and safe even if the familiar causes us suffering. With that said, we can live a better life when we live authentically, one where we can be completely our true self, wounds and all. At this point, your ability to handle the ups and downs of life becomes easier because you will have reached a certain acceptance level of yourself and what has gone on in your life up until that point. If you don’t, that is totally your prerogative, and your right to live your life that you want. But more than likely that means embodying the victim mindset and continuing to suffer needlessly.

I will close by clarifying that experiencing your truth doesn’t erase that truth for your life. What it means is you face up to it and in turn loosen the grip that it has imprinted on you. Then piece by piece you sort through the debris and get rid of what you don’t need anymore.  

Thank you for reading and if you haven’t already,  subscribe below to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox and receive printable gratitude and values exercises! Please also forward this to anyone else you think might be interested. Curious in learning more about my psychedelic experience, please feel free to email me on beonlyyoublog@gmail.com

Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you. Also a note on the importance of accurate research using psychedelics for therapeutic processes, where it is illegal and legal. Also never be alone or without a trained person. Your integration afterwards and support network is crucial.