Be Only You

I ask myself this question quite a lot and I generally get different answers more often than not. But the one phrase that consistently sticks in my mind is “speak your truth”. We’ve all been (or are in) a situation where we are saying “yes” but we really mean “no”. We are compelled to say “yes” for all sorts of reasons like social conditioning, conformity, environmental culture and so on. I don’t for one minute think that saying “no” is easy, in fact it’s something that I have struggled significantly in the past with and still do to an extent, if I am being honest with myself.

No infant is born inauthentic. When an infant feels anything, they express it. That’s how they survive. But then something happens so that by the time we are adults or teenagers, we no longer even know what we feel, let alone do we have the freedom to express what we feel ~ Dr Gabor Mate

3 reasons why we struggle to speak our truth?

1. We are worried that we will push a loved one away

This is rooted in the fear of being alone so we sabotage our own truth for this. With the irony being that we are making ourselves feel so much worse in the long run. The pain of holding in our truth, our voice is far better than being rejected, alone and so on. Somewhere along the way we learned this behaviour that is serving no one really when you think of it. Would you get pleasure from knowing a friend has just said yes to join that party but they spend the night uncomfortable and quiet?

2. We are not comfortable with other peoples’ uncomfortable emotions

Ever find yourself saying “that was so awkward” in relation to a situation with someone. Emotions are complex and at the same time an amazing resource but other people’s emotions are not your responsibility regardless if they say you are causing it. We all have our own shit, our own triggers and it’s up to us to deal with them ourselves, not anyone else.

3. We simply don’t know how…

This is so common and perfectly normal. There are a whole host of reasons that I have outlined as to why. It is not your fault if you weren’t raised to know or even taught this in school but it is your responsibility as an adult to upskill yourself in this area. Otherwise, nothing changes if nothing changes.

How do you know I am not speaking my truth?

It may not always be so black and white with a yes or no answer as above. Here are some of the warning signs;

Being authentic is being proud of who you are, comfortable in your own skin and never afraid to be different or to stand out ~ Roxie Nafousi 

You find yourself

1. At a social engagement that you didn’t want to be at in the first place
2. Covering the late shift as a favour knowing you are back in early
3. Holding yourself back or biting your tongue with a parent or family member because it’s not worth the hassle
4. In silence trying to centre yourself when your partner does that thing they promised they wouldn’t do again
5. Struggling with the needs and wants from others in life and you find yourself frazzled on what you actually need to get done
6. Not being able to speak freely in the workplace about unjust spread of work or how a co-worker is passive aggressive or rude to you
7. Or you simply find yourself screaming inside of yourself at random

4 Techniques Towards Authenticity

Don’t worry I am not going to tell you to just “speak your truth” because that would be infuriating and also way too simple for such a complex thing.

1. Get good at boundaries

Your boundaries protect your energy from your surroundings and the people around you.It is a form of self love. You have likely put a lot of thought into them, yes they can change and evolve over time although in that moment where someone or something is crossing the boundary line, push back and blame the boundary. You don’t need to apologise for them either, there is nothing wrong with them and it is ok to say no! I write more about boundaries in “Blame Your Boundaries”.

2. Listen to yourself & your emotions

Process them well, do the things, the hobbies, the activities that help you process what is going on. For some of the tougher situations, make sure to sleep on it because more often than not that surge of emotional energy, albeit amazing, can have an awful habit of inhibiting you from being compassionate. The emotion of fear can be our very best emotional teacher with its whispers of guidance to bring you back closer to yourself. Read more in “ Why Fear Is Your Best Teacher”

Our true voice of ourselves is so quiet so it needs extra effort to hear over the self critic ~ Dr Gabor Mate

3. Write it down

If you are not yet in a position to tell that person or people what you really feel (your truth) write it down exactly as it is swirling around in your head. Don’t worry you don’t have to tell them everything that is down there but it is a good way to get it out of your head and onto paper. You will be amazed how powerful reading your own words are and also get yourself a different perspective. You can of course write in digital form if easier for you

4. Take the learning

When you find ourselves unable to be authentic it is a valuable lesson for us to learn, what is driving this? Is it this environment, is it my lack of confidence, is it this toxic person in my life? Use it as a compass to figure out what you need to do to get back to it.

When we avoid living authentically and fear failure, we avoid valuable life lessons ~Marisa Peer 

We all have the ability to be authentic. We were born authentic! Every child is born pure, whole and completely authentic. You don’t find a baby not crying when they are hungry because they don’t want to wake their parents and upset them. Think about it. We’ve grown up constantly dimming our authentic dial down. I am here to remind you that you have this power inside you and to find ways to get back there.

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Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.