Be Only You

Why We Like To Be Liked

Will Storr talks about life being “a status game” and how we humans must play it everyday of our lives. There are all sorts of different games where you are striving for the reward of status for being valuable e.g. the person good at football, or singing or the reliable one etc. So in essence, he argues that this need for status (or validation) comes from other people as it is rooted into our very evolution of our early ancestors’ tribes where everyone would have a purpose which became their value (or status). Humans that were disowned from the tribe didn’t survive too long on their own. So our need to be liked is hard coded into our DNA although nowadays our minds have the power to override that, which is known as epigenetics but let’s not go down that road today.

When people defer to us, offer respect, admiration or praise or allow us to influence them in some way, that is status.

Will Storr

Nowadays, it is more relatable to think about a child joining a new school and wanting to make friends, feel a sense of belonging and more importantly acceptance from their new classmates and teacher. Or that surge of anxiety right before you meet your new partner’s family; the weight of worrying on your shoulders on whether they will “like” you and will you be accepted into the new family? Regardless of how independent and assertive we believe we all are, deep down we all want and need this acceptance from others to survive and live a happy life.

But quite often we over index on needing this acceptance from everyone within our life which is frankly completely unrealistic. We are a planet of nearly 8 billion people, of course not everyone is going to like each other and that is ok.

Some Reasons Why Others Don’t Like You

NO APPARENT REASON

• Your energy doesn’t mix well or some people would say “we just don’t vibe”.
  • Like two similar ends of a magnet that repel each other, no matter what you do to push them together, they will never come together.

HISTORY

• You did something to hurt their feelings either intentionally or unintentionally. We have probably all been in this situation either on the receiving or giving end.

JUDGEMENT

• Regardless of how well you know someone or not, they may judge you on your appearance, your choices, your words or actions.
• This happens a lot to celebrities especially as the internet projects stories or angles to provoke a lot of this judgemental behaviour.
  • Ever heard yourself or someone else say, “I don’t know there is just something about them I don’t like“

ENVY

• The second cousin of judgement, people who are envious of others will instinctively dislike that person.
• As much as the receiving person feels like this personal, it is actually a reflection of that individual’s own lack of self-esteem in themselves and whatever it is they are envious of e.g. partner, new house, baby etc

Why It Doesn’t Matter

• You have no control over how people feel, think and act
• You are not responsible for them or their words, thoughts and actions (you are only responsible for you)
• Other people care more about their lives anyway
• You are the only one that lives in your body, mind and soul

So What Should You Do When You Feel The Need To Be Liked?

Nothing, other than work on being yourself authentically. Stay true to yourself providing that your thoughts, actions and words are not intentionally causing anyone or anything actual harm.

If you have a desire for acceptance from others it means you are experiencing a lack of acceptance for yourself.

Teal Swan

You can better understand yourself through self reflection, which is essentially learning more about why you do what you do and feel what you feel (it is easier said than done). When you find yourself feeling the need for acceptance of others (too much) ask yourself why? What aspect of your life are you not accepting? It won’t be obvious so you will need to do the work. There is something that you are resisting, something in yourself, e.g. staying in a mental draining job, not putting up boundaries with family or not accepting some characteristic of yourself etc

Accepting is not a passive exercise although it is a powerful driving force towards the best version of yourself. This doesn’t mean you will accept all aspects of yourself but piece by piece you will make a difference. Remember this, people’s behaviour towards you is always a reflection of what is going on with them. You get to choose what you care about and the effort you put into that caring. You hold this power. 

To be clear, I am not saying not to put any of the work into your close relationships because obviously we all care about what people close to us think. We need their love and attention for our very survival. This means you will likely put in the work for your relationship because your partner is important to you. But should you care about what the sales assistant (that you don’t know or never met) thinks of you wearing no makeup or your pyjamas into the shop? No you shouldn’t care what they think or if they like you. The voice in your head saying “you better put on nice clothes or freshen yourself up” that is someone else’s voice in your head whispering their expectations of you from the conditioning throughout your younger years.
Given the extent of time we spend in our place of work, we often can experience some level of conflict or knowing that we just don’t gel with somebody. This is completely ok. You are likely being incentivised by competing priorities or expectations. Just know that it is not personal and if you make it personal it is because you are expecting too much from the other person. Remember you can’t control what other people think of you so the easiest thing to do is being authentically yourself. In this way the energy you radiate into the world is exactly in tune.

We all have a deep seeded need to be loved and wanted and cared for. An evolutionary adaptation for survival really. We will always care (to some degree) about what our close friends and family think of us. What matters most in your lifetime is what you think of yourself, nothing more, nothing less. 

If any of this content inspires you or you have any feedback I would love to hear in the comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe to receive my weekly blog straight to your inbox! 

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Much love ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, these opinions are my own views and thoughts. I strongly encourage you to work with your healthcare practitioner and/or therapist if any of these views have had a negative impact on you.